Eight Legged Spawn of Satan
by PaintedonCanvas
Summary: Whoever said that spiders were just innocent arachnids can burn in hell. A spider appears on the Thousand Sunny and the crew confronts it with a brave front... -ish.


HEYO! Full attempt on crack. I know I'm not that funny, but I hope I made you laugh, even if it's just a little Sorry if too many ZoLu scenes XD

Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece!

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It was a beautiful day, the sun shone on the deck of the Thousand Sunny as it sailed the calming sea. The wind blew gently around them. The inhabitants of said ship lazed around without a care in the world. That was, until a loud female shrill filled the air. Sanji dashed forward towards the loud noise, recognising it to be female, his legs already red and heated up.

"Nami-swaaaaa-" A bundle flew into Sanji's arms. Sanji wrapped his arms around the figure immediately, thanking god for his heavenly life. The other crew members appeared, hearing the screaming. Zoro and Luffy came running down together, having woken from their slumber, Robin and Nami stood at the doorway and Franky, Brook and Chopper came rushing in. He breathed in her scent, memorised her curves, moved his hands downwards…- hold on. If Nami was standing at the door and Usopp was nowhere to be seen… then… the person in his arms…

Sanji spazzed and dropped Usopp in disgust, rushing to the kitchen to rub his hands and arms with salt before cleansing thoroughly. By the time he got back, he realised that the rest of the crew members were frozen stiff, waiting to decay away. He poked Luffy. Receiving no reaction, he opened his mouth. "What's going on he-"

"It's the spawn of satan." Chopper whispered, his eyes widened.

Usopp's finger was pointing towards the wall. Sanji directed his gaze towards it. There, he saw a spider. It was just a spider, sitting there leisurely as nine grown people (mostly) freaked the hell out over it. Sanji sighed, if a simple arachnid could get the entire crew so worked up, then how were they going to become the best of the best? He walked towards the spider, everyone whimpering or giving him pats on his back as he approached the spider.

By the time he got there, he had already realised far too late that the spider was bigger than his palm. Not including legs. He stared at it in disbelief. It stared right back, watching him as he tried to inch away, hopefully unnoticed. As if knowing this, it moved up a centimetre.

"MOTHER OF FLYING SHITTERY WHAT THE HELL IS THAT PIECE OF ANTICHRIST?!" He shrieked, dashing towards the other bystanders at speed akin to the one of light. The others patted him comfortingly, knowing his fear. The only thing that could soothe poor Sanji's experience was the fact that he was aware of Robin's hand on his head, stroking his blonde hair.

"Robin-chwaaaaannn~ Protect me from the cursed demon~"

"Hai, hai, Sanji-kun." She said back, chuckling even as sweat collected on her forehead.

"IT'S FRIGGIN MOVING." Brook screeched, before making a run for it, chucking all the items in his path at the now-rapidly moving spider. his bony legs took him out the door.

Luffy screamed and jumped on Zoro, gripping his shoulders tightly and swinging his legs around Zoro's waist. Zoro gripped Luffy tightly and ran out after Brook, shouting battle cries at the creature of the underworld. The creature scurried around the floor of the room quickly, searching for it's next victim. One after another, they exited the room in record speed, constantly chucking things at the demon.

Chopper, never the fastest under pressure, was trapped. The spider was at the other end, next to the open door to freedom. Chopper considered making a dash for it, then chickened out as the cursed mother-of-demons friggin' HISSED at him. Chopper screamed and cowered in fear, his 30x25cm frame shaking at the 10x15cm spider. THE THING WAS HUGE. Chopper breathed, unable to calm down. He had to at least remember to breathe. His saviour came in a suit of four plastic ponchos and a heavy machine gun. Said saviour wore rubber gloves and carried salt and a cross on it's belt.

"F-FRANKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Chopper shouted, launching his small body at said man. Franky gripped him tight and patted him on the back, whispering encouraging words at how brave the reindeer was. Chopper sobbed into his shoulder as Franky sprinkled salt around the room, followed by Ajax Spray and Wipe© except Franky did NOT wipe. Franky did NOT wipe because the lovechild of Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris was charging at them at full speed.

"KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The two ran out onto the deck, slamming the door shut. They looked around the room to find the other crewmates hidden in various places, peeking from the sides of said hiding places.

"I… I think we're SUUUUUPPPPPPPPEEEEEEERRRRRR safe now." Franky said, sighing and panting heavily.

They gathered in the lounge to discuss what they'd do with the infected room and which high quality disinfectant they'd use or even which flamethrower, not to mention a show-and-tell of Chopper's amazing survival techniques in the lair of the dragons.

"And then, it looked me straight in the eye and hissed."

"Mother of shit it hisses." Zoro groaned into the palms of his hands. Luffy patted his back comfortingly, almost crying himself.

"Hate to break it to you guys, b-but i-it's…-" Nami stammered, pale and almost entirely soaked in sweat. Everyone turned to where she was pointing, only to see _IT. _

_WHAT THE HECK._

Hell broke loose.

Everyone was running and screaming and shouting while the braver of those tried to attack the damn thing only to have it run away and disappear behind a wooden drawer. It was _conveniently _the drawer that Sanji _accidentally _burned to hell, only to see the accursed arachnid run away from the pile of flames and wood along the wall. It climbed upwards, towards a certain long-nosed sniper, who had _mysteriously _just appeared on top of a cupboard.

"I'm not scared. It's smaller than me. I can crush it. I'm a brave warrior of the sea. I'm not scared. I'M NOT SCARED. I'mnotscaredI''mnotscaredI'mnotscaredI'mnotscared. " Usopp murmured to himself like a mantra, his eyes squeezed shut and his body trembling. The spider increased it's pace towards the man.

"U-Usopp-san… RUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNN" Brook squawked as he dashed out of the lounge, tossing a vase at the demon, followed by a relieved Chopper and then a panicked Robin. Soon, Nami charged out, along with Franky, who tripped over a piece of broken clay.

"GOD-SUPER-DAMMIT, BROOK!" He roared, holding his bleeding foot close to his chest as he hopped out of the lounge.

Usopp blinked and came face to face with the beady eyes of the spider. He squealed and commando-rolled off the cupboard, the spider barely missing the tip of his nose as he used all his strength to continue rolling out the door, like a tumbleweed. He got up and quickly shut the door. As soon as he was sure it was safe, he breathed out heavily and leaned against the door, keeping it shut before walking away from it, towards where the rest of his "nakama" were cowering.

"USOPPPPPPPPPP! I was so scared! I thought you died!" Chopper launched his small body at Usopp, who steadily held him up. Seeing a perfect opportunity, he opened his mouth and began his tale.

"You see, I, the great, almighty, brave warrior, Usopp-un-sama, trapped the raging, terrifying beast. I confined it to a room all on my own, I tell you! I'll tell you what it's lik-"

"We have to do something!" Nami said, slamming her palms on the floor, conveniently interrupting the story that Usopp, who was now crying in his corner, mumbling things about rude women and growing wild fungi at a worrying rate, was telling. Sanji looked at Nami, placing his hands conveniently on Nami's, taking the chance to rub soothing circles on the back of her hand, Nami's hand twitching under his, which went unnoticed by Sanji. Soon, he let go, his eyes not showing anything but pure determination and confidence. Chopper, Usopp and Luffy looked at him in awe. Sanji's mouth was set in a tight frown and his curly eyebrows were furrowed, curling in the middle of his forehead. He slammed his fist on the table, his knuckles white. Everyone looked at him expectantly. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth.

"The answer is simple." They leaned in closer, so close, that they could feel all their breaths mix together in the centre of their faces. They held their breaths, including Sanji, not wanting to breathe in the toxic air of meat/booze/oranges/gunpowder(?)/cigarettes/cotton candy/books(?)/cola/rosin (yeah, that shit can smell sometimes. Or is it just me?). No one wanted to pull away either, they're too determined to add suspense for their readers. #attentionwhoremuch?

Sanji opened his mouth again, braving the toxic air.

"We burn this ship to hell." He stated seriously, eyes serious, face serious, words serious and everything else serious.

"SSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR RR NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Franky, quiet down, it's the only choice." Sanji said, taking out his lighter.

Franky's hand shot out to the cigarette, a mini water gun coming out of one of his fingers. It sprayed the fire off Sanji's lighter, the flame dying down quickly.

"Why do you even have a water gun feature?" Nami asked, calming down quite a lot.

"It was meant for situations like this." Franky said back, letting his shades fall on his eyes and letting the sun reflect on them, flashing a charming grin. Robin and Nami stared as Usopp, Chopper and Luffy proceeded to fling themselves at Franky, asking what other useful gadgets he had. Franky laughed and started showing them his mini laser tag gun.

The rest of them sighed as Zoro and Brook tried to hold Sanji back from setting the ship on fire. Sanji himself seemed to have lost his sanity.

Sanji, finally breaking free, ran towards the cabins screaming and chanting spells from witchcraft and black magic. He ran into the lounge before anyone could stop him, going into the lounge where the spider was and slamming the door behind him, looking back one more time to reveal crazed eyes, red veins running through them and mussed up hair. He gave one last shout of "FOR NARNIA!" and charged into the room, leaving them all behind. The crew stared in shock, gawking at the closed door. Not soon later, a scream filled the air, followed by a loud thump on the door. And then there was silence.

"OHMAIGAWD WHAT HAPPENED TO SANJIIIII!?" Usopp and Chopper screamed, sent to a mad state.

Little did they know, someone in the cabin was smiling to themselves.

_One down, eight to go._

Night fell and the sky darkened. The crew stayed together in one cabin, huddled close in a sort of defence attempt, muttering words as their oil lamps and candles burned. It is still unknown whether they were performing dark magic of any sort. A soft thump was heard and the remaining crew member's heads shot at the direction, to see a fallen cushion. Sighing as well as sweating, Franky went to pick up the cushion. He froze. Everybody froze. From underneath the pillow, a single, hairy, leg shot out. Franky screamed at it, dropping the cushion onto the floor. Everybody screamed as the _thing _crawled out from underneath the soft velvet. They rushed to the other end of the room, terrified. The spider crawled at them at the speed of friggin sound and they could _feel _it smirk.

The door of the cabin slammed shut and they could hear the click of the lock.

How the- What the- Who even-

_What?_

_Whut?_

_Wot?_

_Wot even?_

"WHO THE HEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL?"

There was no answer, except a loud hiss.

They were trapped.

Screams filled the air, disturbing the slumber of the sea kings beneath the ocean.

That was the last anyone heard from the Strawhat crew.

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I'm sorry for that ending! I haven't had much time to write lately, and if any of you are actually waiting for ABOMD, I'm sorry, but it'll have to wait.

First attempt at crack? Not bad I guess.

Reports for ABOMD:

Well, there's been a mix of ideas for couples, but personally, I sort of ship AnyonexLuffy. Particularly ZoLu, SanLu, LawLu, AceLu and KidLu. Yeah. I might just make it all of them because remember, I have to send Luffy to school where –spoiler alert- he'll be meeting the rest of the Strawhats.

Hope you enjoyed that! Please review if you did!


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